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You don’t have to wait until your child starts puberty to start talking about sexuality. Even teaching them the scientific terms for their genitals when teaching a child about ALL of their body parts is a way to get the talk started. Something in their every-day life such as a teacher’s pregnancy or a relationship between characters on their favorite TV show can generate discussions. Having open conversations about these topics when they are in kindergarten usually means they will be more comfortable continuing these talks with you as older kids and teenagers.

Many parents may not be comfortable discussing sexuality issues with their kids, but may feel like they have to appear to be the authority on the subject. If you start out by admitting to your kids that you are nervous talking to them about sexuality, and that they need to encourage you, they are more likely to be empathetic and share in the discussion rather than feel as if you are lecturing to them. Being willing to make yourself a little vulnerable can win them over and allow them to be your ally.

One parent had shared that his son was squeamish about any discuss of human sexuality but loved other animals. Animal reproductive strategies are fascinating, and can be a way to start the discussion. This dad threw out a factoid to his kid, “did you know that elephants are pregnant for almost 2 years?” His kid
replied, “Really? Where does the baby elephant grow?” The answer is “in the elephant uterus! Humans have that too!” and his kid was now more open to learning.

When a kid asks a question about sex or reproduction, many parents think, “OK, here comes the Big Talk.” Then they launch into a long discussion until the kid’s eyes glaze over. Rather, start by addressing the question being asked at face value and try to condense your answer into about two sentences. Then, let your kid have a turn to ask further questions. This brevity is particular important for younger kids,
whose attention span may be short. Though you may not be able to fully address a complex topic in two sentences, this pattern invites a conversation with their children rather than a long one-sided lecture.
Remember it’s an ongoing talk, not a one-time chat.

If your child is asking a question, then they are ready to know the (age-appropriate) answer. Saying that you will tell them when they’re older is going to be interpreted as you not telling them, so they will usually seek out the answer from a less reliable source, such as the Internet or a friend. Start with validating their question and that you’re glad they came to you. If necessary, ask for a little time to think about the answer or do some research, and then be sure to get back to them with the answer. For guidance on what is considered “age-appropriate”, use books designed for certain age groups (Ex. Age
10+) and see what level of explanation the author uses.

Sometimes, kids simply just want a word defined or wants a quick scientific answer. Ex. “how do you get twins?” One of the best strategies that I have heard was from a parent who shared that she “puts on an imaginary lab coat” whenever her 11 year old daughter asks a question about sexuality. The imaginary lab coat helps her to put on a scientist’s persona and focus on a few biological facts when answering questions.

When a kid or teen asks a question such as “When’s the right age to have sex?” or “Is porn bad?”, the “right” answer may depend on their family values, which could also include cultural or religious values.
When such questions are asked in class, I attempt to address the spectrum of whether a behavior is risky or relatively safe, or if something is respectful or disrespectful. Clarify your own values about various topics in sexuality and share them with your kids. Knowing that you strongly feel about something in sexuality can affect their decision-making and behaviors.

Unfortunately, the Internet has become some kids & teens’ main source of sex education. Despite age restrictions, pornography has become more accessible than ever. While it’s natural for young people to be curious about sex (no shaming!), it’s helpful to explain why porn may be an unhealthy or unrealistic portrayal of sex.
Talking points can include:
• Porn actors are hired for having a specific body type that fits a narrow definition of what is
considered sexually desirable. This can impact a young person’s body image or affect what they
think is required to be “good at sex”.
• Porn usually does not show a loving, caring relationship between the two people having sex, or
even discussions of consent or safer sex practices.
• Porn is entertainment, is highly edited and made for profit.
• Porn can be addictive and can train a young person’s developing brain to only respond to sexual
novelty, which may lead to sexual dysfunctions later.
• Porn is not intimate or private, both of which are important qualities of healthy sex.

This is one of the most important rules when giving your kid a smart phone. Things they do on cell phones are never fully private, including web sites visited, messages sent or received, and photos.
Therefore, once a nude selfie is created, it can never be truly permanently deleted. Sending such a picture to someone else exponentially increases the risk of the image being posted online or viewed by someone never intended to see it, including companies who handle our data. Though you can explain that this is illegal for someone under 18 to create or possess, it is more effective to appeal to their sense of having control over intimate images of themselves and not making themselves vulnerable in this
digital way. Also mention NOT taking pictures or videos of others while they are partially or fully undressed in places like restrooms, changing rooms, and locker rooms.

Consent is not just about sex! Asking permission or checking-in is something kids have done their whole lives. A mom shared with me that when her son was only 3 years old, and he would say “stop!” during a tickle fight in between screams and giggles, she would immediately stop the tickling, raise her hands, and validate what he had just asked for – “you said stop, so I’m going to stop until you say it’s ok to go.” This sends a powerful message about having agency over one’s own body and an authority figure respecting
their request. Parents and guardians should never force kids into hugs and kisses, even with relatives. Teach your child it is ok to say “No” and to teach them to negotiate for less intimate touches, such as handshakes or high-fives, that they may be more comfortable with. “Consent for Kids” is a great book to start a conversation with young kids about this topic.

Consent can be practiced anytime, anywhere, and is great for developing respect and communication. If you role-model asking, it’s easier for your child to normalize and emulate asking for consent too.
Examples of everyday consent:

At Home:
• May I borrow your sweatshirt? May I change the channel? May I have my friend over? May I be
excused from the table?

At School:
• May I borrow a pencil? May I use the restroom? May I make up the quiz I missed?
With Friends:
• May I have some of your fries? May I take your picture? May I post your picture to social media?

In Public:
• May I pet your dog? May I take this chair if you’re not using it? May I pass?

When you are driving, you are focused on the driving and looking ahead, and many parents find it easier to talk about sex when not making direct eye contact. Driving carpool also seems to provide parents with plenty of details about the puberty and relationship drama that is happening among your kid’s friends.
Kids and teens are much more open when their own parent is not present, so the driver may get an earful. Driving around with your child allows a parent to comment on ads/billboards, and the way the media portrays sexuality, masculinity, femininity, etc. You might also comment on a news story on the radio that touches upon some aspect of sexuality whether the news is talking about LGBTQ+ issues, a new birth control method, or a politician’s stance on abortion. If you listen to music, there is plenty to discuss
as most songs are about sex and relationships. As you comment, you may be just “thinking out loud”, not requiring your kids’ input but they are definitely listening.

Similar to why the car is a great place to talk about sex, positioning yourselves side by side may make it more comfortable to talk about sexuality issues by keep your focus forward rather than direct at each other. For example, walking the dog together or watching a game on TV also provides just enough distraction to help someone feel less self-conscious. If you’re reading a puberty book together at night, you can pull up a chair next to their bed, and both of you can look at the words and diagrams side by
side.

Parents may be less physically demonstrative with their kids as they grow into teens. Although teens can be more aloof than when they were kids, this is a normal developmental phase during which they are separating and individuating from their parents. Teens may experience a “push-pull” relationship with their parents where they want to be babied one moment and then treated like an adult the next. Though
sometimes challenging, I encourage parents to continue to offer affectionate touch to their kids in the forms of cuddles, hugs, leaning head to shoulder when sitting on the couch, etc. Especially if their teen starts dating, parents can help them identify ways of showing love or affection to a partner that isn’t sexual.

When I ask my teen students how old they were when they had their first crush, most of them reply “kindergarten”, “2nd grade” or “5th grade”. (Some also say “never had one”.) Imagine being young and excited, and telling a trust adult that you’re in love, only to have them dismiss your feelings as ‘not real love’, ‘puppy love’, or ‘being too young to feel this way’. Though having a more serious romantic relationship when they are older will be different, this feeling of attraction is real and feels very powerful. Most people start to clarify their orientation and a “type” from a young age. This could be related to
another’s gender, physical appearance and personality traits. Parents can take the opportunity to ask questions such as “tell me more about this person” and “what about them do you like?” and start to highlight healthy traits in a relationship such as kindness, respect, trust, humor, & similarities. This validation of their feelings paves the way for ongoing communication with trusted adults when they begin their first serious relationships.

Most parents are fine with sharing their own puberty stories with their kids such as first-time shaving, pimples or first periods, but may hesitate if the discussion turns to “how old were you when you had sex for the first time?” or your current sex life such as “do you two still ‘do it’ and how often?” Of course, you have the right to draw boundaries and declare certain information to be private. When your kids become older teens, they may also keep aspects of their relationships and sexual decision-making private as well.
So if you decide to address these personal questions, don’t start with just yes or no, or an age. Begin with what you learned from the experience, how you felt, and whether or not you would change anything. Ex.
“I wish I had waited because…” or “I felt good about my decision because…” This helps to put the experience in context rather than have the focus be on a number, which you can still share at the end if you want. In regards to your current sex life, you can explain that adults can choose to have sex as an expression of love or attraction, and they can do it for pleasure. Sex for reproduction is just one reason.